Journal Entry:
Sun Mar 11, 2012, 7:13 PM
I'm sorry this is a wall of text, but if you have time, please read it.
I am admittedly awkward with social situations. I sometimes say things without thinking, othertimes I say nothing at all and leave someone feeling ignored. I spent a good deal of my life metally ill without treatment. I grew up in a broken home and spent a good deal of my time alone. I did not like other kids and found myself often outcast from playground activities. In the recent years I've started therapy and a medication regiment. It was a real shock when I first took the medication. Among other positive effects, I was suddenly able to empathize with people. It was really difficult acclimating to this, because I had no real idea how to deal with it. I started bottling everything up. I still do this. It's unhealthy. I'm seeing a new psychologist and with his help I hope to work on expressing myself better. I don't need sympathy, I'm just trying to level with you.
I've been trying to socialize more both in real life and online. Baby steps. I think my biggest problem right now is that I constantly feel left out. I feel like what I have to say isn't considered important or I'm just not interesting enough to listen to. Then I become nervous and become quiet and distant. This, of course, often leads to me actually ignored completely. Even now I'm really nervous about posting this journal. I feel isignificant. I don't know how to change this yet, but I'm trying.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, it means a lot to me.
`anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More
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Remember that you're not insignificant: you mean a lot to us and we enjoy hearing what you have to say. <3
I often feel that way myself - lack of confidence, not being able to express myself and feeling awkward when other people don't get what I try to say - but I think this is true for many people out there too. For me, I try to be as sincere as possible once I get to know someone, but it's hard for me to open up to people I'm not familiar with.
I think you've done a lot in being open about this, so I would say don't worry too much and just try to feel calm about yourself. There will always be people who are willing to help!
And by the way, if you're ever looking for a commission or art trade, I'd love to work with you!
I think being open has helped a bit. I feel great with so much support.
After that happened, I was screened into a free therapy program the high school had. I was in it for a little over a year and I learned to talk to people about my problems. My main issue with talking to people is that I felt as if my problems didn't matter. I felt as if I would bother or inconvenience people if I mentioned what problems I had, being that I was always the guy people went to for advice. But the therapy helped and very slowly I was able to face my problems head on and fix them.
My point here is that I do know how it is to bottle things up, and letting them go all at once is a horrible experience that I would not wish on anyone. Baby steps are hard, but effective. Just know that there are a lot of people here that care about you. And even if I seem like a ghost most of the time, I am one of those people. I'd like to think that I can be one of the options if you need people to talk to.
And most importantly- You are a radical fantastic bro and I know things will turn out well for you. Life's been dealing you a crock of shit and it's about time you've seen some serious sunlight from all of this!
You're such an awesome person and I hate seeing you go through hard times.