I don't normally comment on journal's especially not one's I read kind of out of blue but for this one I'll make an exception. I read this and it sounded really famliar. I've been there and I would like to tell you to keep working on it. Knowing you need to work on it and putting in that effort will help greatly and it will help you feel better about yourself as well. There will still always be bad days, but as you go they become fewer and fewer. I just wanted to tell you more then anything to stick with it...the benefits are worth the effort I promise. You can do it.

i love you love of my life!

Baby steps are progress, just keep at it.

I see your wall of text, and will raise you a wall of text!

Sup guy, it's Matt from Gamer's Inn. I read your 'wall of text' and thought I should say something on the subject. I'd talked briefly with you about having similar issues that one night when that one group was making light of my beliefs. Remember? They were bashing on mormons pretty hard, and after they left you took the time to ask me how I felt about it... You showed genuine interest in my feelings as a person, not caring about my race, gender, size, or religious preferences. You are one of the most empathic and tolerant individuals I've come to know.

It pains me to say this, but when I first met you I was tempted to pass judgement on you... because of your sexual orientation. That is one of the things that irks me about my religion... their treatment of homosexuals. In my religion homosexuality is considered a sin... that it goes against the divine plan. This doctrine leads to a lot of intolerance and bigotry among my people... for which I am ashamed. Having had... issues... with... stuff... that the church didn't take kindly to... I have, thankfully, come to be more tolerant of 'sinners,' following a more Christlike approach, "Love the sinner, hate the sin."

I just wanted to say that you and Benji were (and are) amazingly cool people and it was wrong of me to ever even think that we couldn't be friends. Are you two still together? You tend to lose track of events when you're away from a place for 6 months like I was... but I digress. What I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry for ever thinking ill of you, even unconsciously, and I hope you'll forgive me.

Well, time to talk about the issues at hand. I remember when I first started taking medication. It was like... a whole new world of emotions were now available to me... and it was indeed quite overwhelming. When I would forget to take my meds, however, I was back to my grimdark side that wanted nothing to do with other people. I was quite content to isolate myself from the rest of society, mostly because I didn't want them to see how upset I was. I didn't want them to think of me as some crazy ass rageaholic... or a sad weepy mess... depending on the day, temperature, and moon phase. That was... five or six years ago... and I can tell you things have improved a lot for me since I first started taking the stuff.

However, I never saw the need for therapy until last week. After dealing with the same never-ending-bullshit-self-destructive-behavior-problems for the past 13 years, I realized I had two options. I could embrace the problem... essentially giving up... and would probably kill myself given time and opportunity... OR I could try to get myself clean again, admitting that I couldn't beat my demons alone, and that I needed to get help. I decided, after much soul searching, that succumbing to my bullshit was not really an option... and that killing myself wasn't a solution. I... went back to church for the first time in like... 2 months, and told my bishop, my spiritual adviser so to speak, about everything that had been going on in my head... and he helped me get in touch with some really great people and groups who could help me...

However... as you and I both know, therapy ain't cheap. That was the reason that I came back to Gamer's Inn. Not only does it help me be more social... but... frankly... I needed the money from selling my cards to pay for therapy and meds... Plus, with the whole re-model and re-tooling of the store, it just feels a lot... cleaner. I get a much better vibe about the place than I did 6 months ago. I'm glad you were able to keep your job when so many others were fired or left...

Anyway... I just wanted you to know that I know almost exactly what you're going through with regards to the medication and therapy. You said you didn't need sympathy... and I don't want to patronize you by giving you something you don't need... or didn't ask for. However, I do want you to be aware of all the people pulling for you. Not just pulling for you, but pulling with you. We're all surviving this world together. If you ever need to talk about anything... I'm available. I'll give you my number the next time I'm @ the Inn, which will probably be tomorrow.

Stay positive! You're so amazing. There will be days where you feel like you're just spinning your wheels... and when you hit one of those days you can take comfort in the fact that, "Hey, at least the wheels were still spinning!"

I see you've closed your commissions. This makes me sad... but you said you like gift art... I think I have something in one of my old binders from when I used to draw that you may like. I'll bring it to the Inn and give it to you the next time I'm there, which, like I said, will probably be tomorrow (Friday). Well... peace out man!